My Story - The In Between ~ II

It took a long time for me to recover.  I literally bled every day until January.  The Dr. actually put me on birth control pill to help stop the bleeding...but it didn't help.  Every time I went to the bathroom, there was a reminder...and it got to the point where I was feeling anxiety every time I had to go because there was no closure.  There was tension and grief between my husband and I.  I desperately clung to hope and he had withdrawn.  I kept my faith and leaned on the Lord.  I got the green light in late April that moving forward with achieving pregnancy was safe. It was just about this time that my husband found peace and was open to trying again. 

Month after month, I got the BFN. Big.Fat.Negative.  I had become obsessed now with conceiving.  Graphs, charts, temperatures, calendars, sticks, and the like.  If there were apps I had known about, I would have downloaded all those too.  My husband had a meltdown on second beach saying, "It's not supposed to be like this!" "I am not a circus performer!"  Uh oh. I am in the "window" and he's not cooperating.  Another month gone by.  Another month older. The next month, my husband had the nerve to be sick in our "window" !  I remember being mad and resentful instead of considerate and caring.  Of course I did not let him know this, but once again, another opportunity...missed.

I don't recall September or October exactly but I do remember getting a BFP (!!!) Big Fat Positive on Thanksgiving Day 2012 and ecstatically announced it that night at Thanksgiving dinner.  We had gotten pregnant sometime in October.

This new life, new hope, new beginning - was not meant to be.  Again.  Another miscarriage.  On December 1, 2012 I began to bleed.  Absolutely crushed, inconsolable and most of all afraid.  Would my uterus burst again like last time ? Would I never mother my husbands child? Are my insides just too messed up?  Am I being punished?  It felt that way.  The negative and dooming thoughts rolling around in my head were overwhelming.   Interestingly, my "process" only lasted a scant 5 days.  That was it.  I had my HCG levels tested and all resumed to normal rather quickly. 

A week later I was feeling "fertile" or had an intuitive feeling that it was necessary to "get busy" once again. "You can't be fertile!", snorted my husband.  "It's too soon!"  I was convinced I was and needed him to cooperate !  I had to get creative and basically manipulate him with some trashy undergarments to do the baby dance.  It worked !